I’m currently in the process of disposing my smalls. And it’s gonna take a while.
Not because I have an issue with throwing things away or letting things go. I do clean up once in a while because I think memories can be a burden – memories stored in a stuffed toy, maybe, or on a 200 gsm watercolor paper. Burden for growth? I’d like to believe no.
There’s a Filipino aphorism, “Ang ‘di marunong lumingon sa pinanggalingan ay ‘di makakarating sa paroroonan.” Whoever doesn’t look back can’t move forward. Or something like that.
The past will linger or haunt or will just be creepily stalking behind you even though you’re not aware of it. And I get that. We need occasional reminders of the past. That’s why I post a gallery of my paintings or share some of them here. I am creating a dump of my past here in the World Wide Web where maybe I could retrieve it someday. Use a “restore” function so to speak. And I think it speaks true for everybody else who blog or share or tweet or post things online.
We want to look back.
Sometimes we just want to get some oh yeah this happened kind of moments. There are times these moments frustrate us and instigate positive change; then there are also shitty times when these moments remind us that the garbage truck hasn’t arrive to clean up our messed-up life yet. And it’s too heavy.
So we try to let them go. Even the light ones.
There’s a weight to every memory. The weight could be as light as This was a time I couldn’t figure out how to create shadows to something as heavy as This was a time in my life I should have just been picked up by a dump truck with all the shit I carried on my back.
And I’d like to leave both weights here. Air out my dirty laundry.
Because I want to let these smalls go. But I still can’t.